typeawordhere

Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Friendship Needs

After my best friend and I broke up a few years ago it has been really difficult to find another woman to fill that gap in my life. Well….okay so I was in love with my best friend for most of our friendship with the exception of the last few years of it. She knew of my feelings for her and our relationship has not been easily replaced. I miss her fiercely sometimes but then I think about it and I don’t really miss her. I miss the closeness of her. The need we had for one another that ran very deep. The physical closeness we had and how it was very fulfilling until I began to see the manipulation that was taking place. Things changed after that. Oh but I miss that fulfillment of a close female bond. I have a best friend now but our friendship was never like this other friend and it never will be. I don’t know how to replace her. My counselor has encouraged me to get out and join all female clubs/groups to open my world up socially so that I might find some fulfillment in new friendships with women. It sounds easy enough but I think I suck at it. Let’s call my ex M for the sake of conversation. M and I met in high school and were immediately attached to each other. It was easy. So easy to love her and feel a deep connection to her. I do not know how to do that again at this stage in my life. Being a wife and a mother is great and fulfilling in different ways but I don’t have the time like I did when I was 16. I feel like I could make time but I don’t think anyone would make the time for me. One of my love languages is physical touch. And during adolescent it seemed easier and more natural to be openly affectionate with my gaggle of girls I hung out with. It’s different now. I’m different now. I desperately need affection from women. With M gone from my life I have not received a constant supply of that in a long time and it seems to have taken it’s toll. I find myself feeling sad, disconnected and lonely despite being surrounded by loving children and an affectionate husband. I have thought I need to pray to find a friend that can help me, but at the same time I don’t know that I could handle being rejected and used again like M did in the end. It broke my heart. And I was so very angry and hurt for so long. Even now I still feel a twinge of pain when I think of her. So maybe that’s the real reason I can’t find a new friend. I am just too scared and guarded and believe to be undeserving of such a thing. I am guarded and feel like no woman would really truly accept and welcome my attentions for her and reciprocate them back to me because it would make her uncomfortable knowing she is loved and adored by a gay woman. I don’t want a sexual relationship, but I do want a physical one. Does that make sense? Not having a fulfilling female relationship has left me feeling….I don’t know. I know I am needed in many ways as a wife and mother….but I don’t always feel needed as just me. Just Kim is needed. Not because I clean, cook, kiss owies, read stories, go shopping, snuggle, do laundry and more. Just being a woman and being needed because my soul is needed. I wish I could feel that sense of fulfillment from my husband. Oh how I wish that were enough! It angers me that it’s not enough. It makes me cry because it’s not enough. It makes me sad and depressed that it’s not enough. But I cannot change that. I have been trying and it’s not working. I need to spend some time on my knees. It’s not something I do enough of. I pray often in my heart and mind but I don’t often kneel and speak aloud the prayers I recite in my head. It’s been so few and far between that it seems almost awkward and weird now. I always feel like someone is watching me and it makes me really uncomfortable. It didn’t always used to be that way. Growing up I remember praying quite often aloud and on my knees in the privacy of my room. I guess I just need to find a space and time to do that where I know I will be alone. I just want to feel satisfied with what I have and to not want more. It seems so selfish.

Leave a comment »

Happiness and hardship

Been thinking about this a lot today. Happiness and hardship come and go throughout our lives. I know that the opposing forces help us grow in different and great ways. But the question that I have been asking today is how do we find a balance? On the spectrum of hardship today is fairly mild but difficult enough to make me uncomfortable. It started with me going to the www.farbetweenmovie.com website. I visit it once in awhile to see what new stories have been published. Today I viewed a video of a lesbian couple who met at the LDS institute of all places. Having tried to fight their attraction for each other they ultimately decided to be together rather than stay in the church. And they looked really happy with their choice. In my struggle with my own SSA feelings I find that even though I have made my choice to be married to a man and stay in the church, I can’t help but feels pangs of jealousy when I see stories like this. I can’t describe the kind of pain it makes my heart feel. Pain of jealousy, pain of being authentic, pain of doubt and yes there is pain in my soul.
Thinking about my life I can’t help but feel discouraged sometimes wondering if this is how it will be all the time. Times of great joy and amazing spiritual experience and growth and simultaneously pain of the heart and soul. So is this my life then? Is this what life is? I don’t know how to not let the sorrowful out shadow the moments of joy. In the end though I guess it comes down to fighting against our natural (wo)man. How can I tell the difference between what is natural to my spirit and what is natural to my body? God made both my spirit and my body so why do they seem to conflict one with another?
I guess I just need more faith that God is leading me down a path that will bring me greater happiness. Whenever I start to doubt that, I try and remember He is my Father and I am a child and ultimately don’t know as much as He does. I need to increase my personal prayer time. Although I say them in my head all day long it has been awhile since I have formally gotten on my knees and said something outloud. I know He hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s me who has been drifting away. It’s hard. The tedious nature gets difficult for me and I feel like that is when Satan is able to creep into my head about “the grass is greener” scenarios. I know it’s a lie so I don’t give it much credit but the thoughts linger still. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. It would be nice if things were easy every once in awhile. Then again maybe things are easy now because I cannot see what life would be like without the Spirit there to protect and guide me. It doesn’t feel easy though. Not at all.

Leave a comment »

After a long absence

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great holiday. I know I haven’t been in the blogging world very long but it seems like it was forever ago when I made my last post. So long that I in fact just re-read it and thought to myself that I sounded a lot smarter than I really feel.
During my time of absence I have been going to therapy once a week and it has been enormously helpful. To be able to be in a space where I can be completely honest with how I feel, what I think and what I want has been an amazing experience. I don’t know that I have been able to feel the level of empathy my therapist offered to me ever in my life. I recently watched a short video clip about the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Here it is-

http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

I’ve watched it a couple of times and I really love how she explains how empathy is connection and sympathy is disconnection. It is so true. And while I feel like I can empathize well with others I also know that I am guilty of using the term “At least…” in a sympathetic and non-helpful way. And the phrase she says at the end of the video about not knowing what to say but being glad it was shared is a thought I often have going through my head when in similar situations. And I have told myself that it is not a helpful thing to say so I struggle during those times. Maybe I have been right all along in what I have wanted to say but didn’t. I have been thinking about my therapy sessions in regards to this topic and I can see how it has helped me because my therapist is empathetic not sympathetic. One particular session comes to mind. I had through a series of events come to a conclusion about my life and where I wanted it to go. That although I am attracted to women, I could not be happy in a relationship with one. Well let me rephrase that. I couldn’t be as happy as I want my life to be with a woman and out of the church as I can with my husband and in the church. Some might criticize my church for this but I don’t. This is my personal choice and it is a spiritual one at that. My spirit would not survive in a lesbian relationship. And it is my choice to let my spiritual self choose how I live my life, not my physical body. I do not want to be a slave to my physical needs sexual or otherwise (Loving food way to much falls into that category but we can talk about that another time.). I want to be the master of my thoughts and my actions and this is how I believe I can do that. Anyway to continue, during my session I shared with my therapist that I had finally come to the conclusions that I mentioned above. I was getting emotional and was carrying a weight of sadness about me that she recognized even before I began to speak. As I sat there and told her about my choice she listened intently and in the end she said, “So you are giving up the dream of ever being with a woman? That must have been hard to give up that dream.” That was the moment that I really began to cry. As far as I have come in accepting that I am attracted to women I still don’t think of it as a positive thing and therefore anything related to it has a negative connotation attached to it. So when she called my desire to love and be loved by a woman a “dream” it surprised me and at the same time was so utterly fulfilling that someone understood what it was that I was feeling at my core, and what I was giving up. I don’t know that I have ever had anyone express to me that they understood exactly what I was letting go of by not being with a woman. To me it’s the same as someone who’s dream in life is to get married, have a family and then they decide to give up that dream in pursuit of something greater and bigger. I can see her face looking at me and recognizing what I have given up. Referencing what my previous post said about giving our all to The Lord and laying it on the altar….“Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “We must be willing to place all that we have—not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and stubbornness and vanity—we must place it all on the altar’ of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away.”……that’s what I felt like I was doing. But because of the negativity that surrounded my so-called acceptance, I didn’t really feel the loss until that moment, in that room, with someone who helped me see the significance of it all. And oh the tears they came. Letting myself really feel the raw emotion and loss of it all. And I just sat there and tried to not be a complete sob-face but the emotion of someone understanding and not judging…looking at me with love and acceptance was just overwhelming to say the least. She helped me to see that I needed to grieve the loss of this dream and to feel it so that I could accept it and move on from it. Thinking about it now brings the tears yet again. And although this experience and choice has brought about great sorrow on some level it has also brought me great peace. I am not naive to think that I will never desire or want anther woman in my life (yeah that won’t happen). But I recognize that letting go has in fact helped me move on from it and now I can work on moving past it. As I continue to struggle with my own physical needs,wants and desires I believe that centering myself towards God and Christ will be the way I will succeed. I KNOW this is the right choice for my life. I feel the confirmation from the Holy Ghost as well as my own spirit telling me that the choices I have made will make me happy.
I would love to write more and so many more things to say on this personal journey of mine but I think this is good for now. I hope to make more time to write more here. Even if it is not read by others it always helps me to get things down and out of my own brain to understand them better. Here is to a new year and new adventures!!

1 Comment »

What defines me?

I have been trying to read this article
http://www.fairmormon.org/perspectives/fair-conferences/2014-fairmormon-conference/mormons-can-gay-just-cant-gay#
all day long and I was finally able to finish just a few minutes ago. It was just fantastic. Although quite long and I admittedly had to re-read some sections, (after four children I don’t brain so good) I still found it quite informative and it has given me a lot to think about. I wanted to highlight a section that really struck me very profoundly. Here is the quote:

“Several years ago I had the opportunity to talk with the stake president of a large metropolitan city in the United States. It’s also a city that seems to draw a large number of LDS individuals who are homosexual. In talking about his experience in ministering to many of these individuals—many who were faithful in the Church and many who had left or who were in process of leaving—he shared with me his conviction that violations of laws guiding appropriate expression of sexuality were violations of the law and spirit of consecration as much as they might be violations of the law and spirit of chastity. They were unwilling to fully consecrate their sexuality to the higher vision and purposes of God. This could be as true for heterosexual offenses as homosexual ones. I’ve reflected a lot on that idea in the years since that meeting and the Spirit has confirmed to me the truth of it.

The principles of chastity, consecration and Zion are intimately interwoven. The willingness to surrender all that we have and all that we are to the building of Zion, including our sexuality, is key to the process of purity and holiness of heart that are the defining virtues of Zion. We cannot become truly pure in heart without recognizing that all that we are is intimately interconnected with all life. To think that the process of righteousness or perfection happens solely on an individual level is erroneous. So thought the rich young ruler who came to the Savior saying he’d kept the commandments from birth and wondered what he lacked. The Savior, wanting to teach him that holiness isn’t about behavioral or ritual conformity but rather about caring for and becoming ministers of grace to others, commanded him to sell all and give to the poor (Matthew 19:16-22). But consecration isn’t just about giving up temporal possessions. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “We must be willing to place all that we have—not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and stubbornness and vanity—we must place it all on the altar’ of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away.”

This part of Ty Mansfield talk really resonated with me. I don’t know that I have ever really thought of placing all that I am, all that I have, including and certainly not limited to my faults as a human being and the very nature of my physical body at the altar of The Lord. The concept has drastically shifted the way I have perceived what it means to give it all to The Lord. I have up until this time recognized that it is asked that we give of our time, posessions, talents, and resources to help build the kingdom of God on this earth. I also recognize that we are taught to bring our sins too The Lord to allow the atonement to work in our lives and to help lift those burdens. But I have not really contemplated that I also need to bring even the shortcomings of our physical body to Him as well.

The quote he uses at the end from Jeffrey R. Holland is especially poignant. It made me picture in my minds eye myself placing it all before The Lord. I have struggled so long with how to define myself. Trying to find this or that to help me really know who I am. I found myself feeling mundane and very ordinary because I could not extract a part of my life that was unique and special. When I was able to admit to myself that I was attracted to woman both emotionally and physically I felt sad but in secret almost happy to have found ‘my thing’. Since then I have struggled with living with that definition of myself. And maybe that struggle derives from my spirit telling me that it is not ‘my thing’. This argument between my physical body and my spiritual one that I cannot seem to resolve because I am still holding onto this idea of what defines me. It’s like I am holding two different pictures of my life. My physical side has a picture of me as a lesbian. My spiritual side has a picture of me as a heterosexual woman. And when I try to lay one on top of the other I cannot seem to bring them together in a cohesive way. Like trying to put magnets together when all they want to do is push in the opposite direction. Now that I am coming to the realization that I need to bring it ALL to The Lord, willingly give it away, I can in a sense strip the definitions away from both pictures, leaving just me. So I begin a new journey now to find who I really am. This time I will not be fooled into thinking it has anything to do with my infinitely flawed human body.

Leave a comment »

My blessing of Hope

I was finally able to get in to see my bishop today and fill him in on all that has gone on this summer with me coming out to my family. It was a great conversation and I was able to bring up my newly discovered self-esteem issues that I would like help navigating. It was nice to hear that he agreed with my desire to start counseling again and I am excited to begin that process.

I have also entered into new territory with my husband. We recently went on a quick weekend trip to go to a wedding and were able to get sitters for the kids so we could go alone. It was just amazing. We drove for over 4 hours each way and talked the entire time. And even better…it wasn’t all about me. We talked about what he’s been struggling with and were able to just re-connect in a way that has not happened in quite sometime. It was so spiritually centered and my love for him has grown even deeper than I thought it could. It has always been my concern when talking with my hubby that when I am really honest, I will hurt him. But I do not give him the credit he deserves. He recognizes in me the strength I have and the choices I have made to be with HIM, to have a temple recommend and to strive to keep my testimony strong. He understands that although I am infinitely flawed, I am working to better myself. And somehow he is able to accept me and know that what I am experiencing, what I am feeling…is not a reflection of how I feel about him. I have felt such a relief to be able to say things as they really are and to not have to try and sugar-coat it to try and protect his feelings. He is secure in our relationship. That is such a comfort to me and in turn helps me feel secure. I doubt myself all the time and to know that he does not doubt me, has complete confidence in my ability to be successful in life, is the most loving thing he has ever done for me. Because I often feel negatively towards myself I continually doubt how people feel about me. I know my husband loves me but I don’t know that I really have felt it for awhile until that weekend. My husband is not an emotional person. When I saw him cry as he described how he felt about me, felt about our life together, it really took me by surprise. I don’t know why. He is my husband. We have created 4 beautiful children together. We have a life together. The difference is that I really FELT his love. Truly felt it and let myself actually believe it. It was a spiritual experience that I will not soon forget. Going to the temple after our deep conversations only added more depth to our experience and I can truly say that he is an amazing man. He has his flaws I know, but he does not let them define him.

Venturing into this territory of being officially out is scary and I find myself realizing that I was not quite as prepared as I might have thought I was. I can be ready to talk about it, to share my story, but that doesn’t mean that I have completely come to terms with this part of myself. I thought I was. How grateful I am to have the resources available to me to seek guidance from an inspired bishop, a devoted husband and a most gracious a loving Father in Heaven. How blessed I feel…even in the midst of this particular trial. A trial which will most likely last the majority of my mortal life. My hope for my future is that I can find a way to accept and love myself…flaws and all. My hope for my future is that I will be able to stop comforting myself with food. My hope for my future is that I can have realistic expectations for myself. My hope for my future is that I can understand love and that I will be able to recognize it and accept it into my life. I may not understand everything, but I have HOPE. That is so much more than I have had in awhile.

Leave a comment »

Hard Core Self-Esteem Issues

I was writing an email last night to a woman in my support group forum. In the email I referenced my self-esteem issues and told her that was a whole other story. So on that note I decided to write an entry about it.

I don’t know when it started but for some time now I have had very low esteem for myself. I don’t think it was always this way. Like most girls who hit puberty though, I am sure that was the beginning of my battle with my self image and self worth. The only girl I have ever fallen in love with was my absolute best friend in High School for about 1.5 years. After then she got a boyfriend and we didn’t spend as much time together. I was still in love with her though. Anyway, the beginning of our friendship blossomed really fast and was very intense. Most of all I remember feeling like I finally mattered to someone. She showered me with compliments and affection and it really was so wonderful. I remember telling her once that I felt like it was such a privilege to know her and to be her friend. She smiled and sincerely returned the compliment…and I really believed her. She really meant it and it felt so good to know that. Our friendship shifted and changed as we shifted and changed. Eventually it ended in a not very good way but I will always cherish what our friendship was. I have yet to find another woman like that in my life. My husband loves me, this I know. But I still seek, still crave, the love and attention of a woman. And when I do get some attention (no matter how fleeting or small) it helps a little and then in the end it makes me feel even worse.

Having really discovered myself over the last 5-10 years I have also seen a correlation between my self-esteem decreasing at an alarming rate. And now I find myself at the bottom. I don’t know how it could get any worse. Honestly. And I really don’t know how to change it. I have a pretty good idea that my lack of self-esteem stems from being a gay Mormon. I’m not saying this to speak negatively about my church or my testimony of the truth of the gospel. I am just saying that it is really hard to find value in myself as a person when my physical feelings are so contradictory to what I believe.

I have had many a discussion that feelings in themselves are not anything. They can be neither bad nor good. They just are. And I understand that. But I still seem to feel it is necessary to punish myself for having them nonetheless. I feel in a sense that although I have done nothing wrong, I somehow am still a bad person, and therefore need to be treated as such. And because we are always our own worst critics, I have taken that punishment upon myself to enforce. And at this point in my life I do not know how to stop or how to change my thinking. I don’t think…rather, I know that I cannot do it by myself. I know the Lord can help me with anything, but I wonder if I need to return to counselling of some kind. It has been a number of years since I felt I needed any counselling, but having just now really honestly discovered how poorly I think of myself, it might be time to re-visit the idea.

I am not well. I do recognize that I have grown a lot. I have had hours of soul searching and many, many prayers followed by discussions with my husband, bishop and friends. And I am making great strides in my personal life and challenges…except this one. And I feel stuck. I just don’t love myself. I know that I have an unhealthy picture in my minds eye of how my life, of how I was supposed to be. And no matter what I do I will never measure up to my unbelievably high standards. Why are they so high though? Where did I learn that I had to be this way? That anything less than this idea was unacceptable? How can I just let myself be? How can I look in the mirror and feel love towards myself? I do not know. I just don’t know.

Leave a comment »

Can you see into the future?

Can you? I certainly can’t. I think it would be nice sometimes. I could definitely make some money if I knew the winning lotto numbers or what the stock market was gonna do, but that is as much as I would want to know. I have had a problem worrying WAY too much about things that haven’t happened and may never happen. This is particularly true about my attractions to women. Will I fall in love with someone? Will someone fall in love with me? Will my marriage last? Can I do what I know is right? And on and on. I think about it constantly and it takes so much energy. I don’t want to do it anymore. I can only control and focus on what is now. Am I going to clean my house today or not? Will I eat that donut or not? And if I come to a situation that scares me then I will still make a choice. What that choice is I cannot say because I am not facing it right now. I am constantly changing through experiences and it is silly of me to assume that what scares me now will be the same thing that scares me in a year, or in five years. So how can I speculate on what I would do if I don’t know who I will be? I can’t. I used to say that thinking about it was a way for me to prepare myself so I would know what I would do in advance, therefore making the decision easier. And that may work for some things, but not all.
I had a great conversation with my husband last night about all my fears and he was great at just listening. He is always so great at telling me to have faith in God and to remember that when I follow Him I will be blessed. Whether it is being blessed to never have to confront my biggest fears, or being blessed with strength to face them. My husband has faith in me. God has faith in me. My husband reminded me of that last night. And whatever the future holds for us as we venture into this new world of me being openly gay, we are a strong team with the spirit of God between us. I believe God has called me to this life and I feel his presence with me constantly. I need to trust Him and give my life to Him, and I will be happy. He will not fail me. He will not.

Leave a comment »

Supportive support

So I don’t hide things from my husband. But I also don’t come right out and say things either. It is usually easier for me to write things down and really process my thoughts and feelings before I can really discuss what is going on. My husband has access to my blog and read what I wrote the other night. He is so loving and just amazing. He came home and we were able to talk about some of the things that I was feeling. Sometimes I do get scared to share certain emotions with him because I am afraid it will hurt his feelings. He is my husband after all. I know he loves me and takes care of me and for me to say that it’s not enough because he isn’t a woman just feels like I’m throwing all of that back in his face. But even so he is still able to love me and be supportive even though he would have every right (in my opinion) to not.

I am feeling better though. I was introduced by a friend to the work of a lady named Byron Katie. Here is the link
http://thework.com

Her take on how to change our thinking and turn things more inward has me really reflecting on the things that have been causing me pain, stress, anxiety and any other negative emotions. Here is a video I watched the other night that really spoke to me.
http://www.thework.com/watch-being_gay.php

I have since watched many other videos and am now focused on doing my own work. There is a worksheet on the website that you can download and fill in on your own. Anyway I just wanted to write and say that I’m doing okay today.

Leave a comment »

Being afraid

I take on others pain as well and I just want so much to mean something, to be something for others. I know if I treated others the way I treat myself that I would not have friends. I feel like I am coming down from the high that was created when I came out to my family. Doing something so scary and being successful at it gave me a huge sense of accomplishment and a boost in confidence that I don’t often feel. As I was pondering my words from last night I began to try and clarify to myself what the correlation of me being overweight and being attracted to women might be. I’ve always known there was a connection but haven’t really wanted to think about it much. I assumed it was the obvious answer that I eat my feelings away or something cliche like that. But as I’ve really thought about it I know it’s more than that.
In my mind one must be beautiful to be desired, to be wanted. (i know my hubby tells me I’m beautiful but i was hot when we got married so yeah) And by beautiful I mean both physically and personality wise as well. So as I establish this truth for me, I asked myself these questions.
Am I beautiful?
The answer was no.
Why?
Because I’m fat. My answer had nothing to do with who I really am, just completely focused on my physical attributes.
Why am I fat?
Because I don’t want to be desired. More specifically I don’t want to be desired by another woman. So in turn I am fat to keep that from happening.
Why don’t I want that to happen?
I don’t know that I could withstand the temptation of another woman liking me. I’ve never had to deal with that scenario. In my mind I’ve made the choice to never indulge my desire for a relationship with a woman, but that doesn’t mean that I will stop wanting one.
Why do I self-sabotage my exercise and eating habits?
It’s easier to be fat and push others away to be safe. I don’t know that I could survive the fallout that would ensue if I were to ever act on my feelings. I am almost positive that it would kill me more than it would my husband, children and extended family.

As I write this I am holding back tears b/c I can see the look of disappointment on their faces, and all over something I haven’t even done. And it SCARES me. So bad. So I find that I am really just living in fear. Not the fear that people will judge me or know me or whatever. Fear that I am not strong enough for the long haul. Fear that if I let my guard down for a second everything will be destroyed. I have no confidence in myself. And maybe that is where my deep seeded anger comes from. I don’t know. I know I can be more than I am physically am but it’s like I’m choosing not to. It makes me to vulnerable. I’ve watched enough of the biggest loser shows enough to know that those who might be dealing with similar issues usually feel better and stronger when they get to the other side of their weight loss journey. I’m just a big ball of negative feelings right now. Anger, sadness, fear, frustration and what not.

Leave a comment »

The best and the worst

So I was laying in bed tonight and having a really difficult time getting to sleep. My mind is just so full and the only way to get sleep is to write it all down. We were invited to a friends house tonight for dinner. They have kids that are in the same age range as ours and we were looking forward to a great evening getting to know this great family. It was a nice evening and we had great conversations, the kids played outside and the food was delicious. And as much as I don’t want to I feel myself once again drawn to a female, I am. The wife, let’s call her Bonnie, is just acting as women act. Being kind and reaching out in friendship. She is unaware that I have a difficult time making female friends, that getting close to a woman almost always leads to me feeling attracted to them, and that inevitably leads to depression and guilt. Because as much as I have accepted my SSA feelings and have really tried letting go of any guilt that I might feel, it still happens. I just get frustrated that I can’t seem to admire the qualities of women without feeling attracted to them. Bonnie’s personality is just so amazing. She shares her testimony often, has a spirit about her that makes you want to be around her. Is stunningly beautiful, has a great laugh and is just a fantastic person. She makes me feel good just being around her. During Relief Society today I was sitting next to her and holding my baby girl on my lap. She stroked my baby’s face to help calm her and as my baby drifted off to sleep Bonnie smiled and said she might just lay her head on my shoulder and fall asleep too. A rather insignificant comment usually….but not for me. My first thought was that I wish she would and that I could reciprocate by putting my arm around her. Followed by a skip in my heartbeat and the awe that someone could be comfortable with me like that. She’s too beautiful to want to be my friend. This interaction followed by having dinner with her, being near her and feeling like I mattered, is a most dangerous cocktail. And that leads me to now. Sitting here, thinking about her and how awesome she is and how great it is to have a friend. It’s the best feeling to have that. But it’s the worst because I now feel for her and am attracted to her. It sucks and is really conflicting. Knowing that I need healthy good relationships with women, but feeling like I am going down a potentially hazardous road. And it sucks because I have a loving husband who is thinking of me when we go to sleep as we snuggle close together, and instead of thinking of him I am thinking of her. And it makes me MAD! And ANGRY! And SAD! And not able to sleep. And I feel physically ugly and awful for feeling so much for someone that I haven’t known that long. That’s when the negative thoughts creep in. I already struggle with my weight and being 100lbs. too heavy does not help me in these situations. I start to question everything. Beautiful people usually hang out together so why is she inviting me to her house and treating me like I am a friend. I am to ugly to be her friend. And why am I so mean to myself? I haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe this isn’t even an SSA problem, but a reflection of how I feel about my physical body. I’m just so tired of being fat. Of not being able to lose this stupid weight. Of thinking because I am fat that it is directly linked to the kind of person I am. And because my appearance seems to say that I don’t care about my health, therefore I am not good enough to take note of. And on the downward spiral I go. Never being good enough for myself, or anyone else. So I write, and I pray and I listen to church music and try to feel comfort and know that I can love another women, I just can’t love her the way I want to.  

1 Comment »