typeawordhere

Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Weathered

on November 8, 2015

  

  
I’m sure your wondering what is up with the picture of my old sandals. I was cleaning out old clothing and shoes at the end of September and decided these sandals had lived a good life and it was time to retire them. As I sat there though I started to recall when I first bought them, the summer of 1998, and thought what a journey they had been on. I especially reflected on the time I spent in Rexburg and how it started my journey to self awareness and self love.

I was fresh out of high school and my parents were driving across the state of Idaho to take me to Rexburg where I would start my first semester of college. I was starting in the middle of summer unlike all my friends who were leaving in the fall. I was nervous and so very excited. Barely 18, I was confident that I would find myself and flourish at Ricks college (BYU Idaho now). On our drive over we stopped in Twin Falls and ended up at the mall. That’s where I found these sandals. I loved them right away. I’m pretty sure my dad bought a pair for himself as well. I thought that was pretty cool. And after our purchase we continued our journey.

My experience at Ricks college was not at all what I expected. I got along with my roommates okay, made friends and quickly settled in but I felt incredibly out of place. Trying very hard to make connections and then punishing myself over and over when I only wanted and gravitated towards women. At this point in my life I was still very much in denial, but I was becoming more and more aware of my attractions towards women. It was in the forefront of my mind constantly and I didn’t know how to cope at all. I started smoking as a way to escape and to try to control my rebellious attractions. I was never addicted to smoking and honestly I didn’t really enjoy it, but if I focused my attention on that sin, then I wouldn’t feel so utterly consumed by my feelings towards women. In the end I confessed about breaking the honor code. I was expecting an act of mercy because I came forward on my own, instead I was asked to leave at the end of the fall semester. I was stunned, angry and very much heart broken. I quickly fell into a deep depression. I was so ashamed at having to return home so soon after venturing out on my own. At failing. 

As I sat in my room thinking about all that had happened then and all that had happened after up until this moment; and suddenly I felt completely attached to this pair of sandals. Looking at them and how weathered they had become over 17 years of use it struck me how much I felt like theses sandals were a physical representation of the things that I had been through. The pain, the doubt, my crisis of faith and constant abuse towards myself. I found myself moved so deeply that tears formed in my eyes and for a moment I seemed to feel it all over again. And then another image entered my mind.

  
And then I was truly overwhelmed. I sat and was overcome by the love that I feel from and have felt for God and for my Savior. Their love washed over me and I saw my blessed life that is full of love, family, laughter, connection and a spiritual growth that I did not think was possible for a long time. Unlike those sandals that I held in my hands….my Savior has healed me constantly and will continue to take all my burdens upon Himself so that I can come unto the Father and be worthy to be in his presence. It felt strange to have such a profound spiritual moment by just sitting and looking at my old sandals. I was a bit sad but only for a moment as I carefully put them away. It became a symbolic moment to put away the past and to turn and look forward to a future that I know will be amazing. I fully anticipate challenges on every level, but I also recognize that the growth I’ve experienced through those challenges has given me priceless knowledge. 

I want to leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in a very profound way lately. Here is the YouTube link to listen to

Lauren Daigle – Trust in You


Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see


I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand


Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


I will trust in You!

 

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2 responses to “Weathered

  1. markyensen says:

    Those colors are soooo 90s :-).

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