typeawordhere

Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Weathered

  

  
I’m sure your wondering what is up with the picture of my old sandals. I was cleaning out old clothing and shoes at the end of September and decided these sandals had lived a good life and it was time to retire them. As I sat there though I started to recall when I first bought them, the summer of 1998, and thought what a journey they had been on. I especially reflected on the time I spent in Rexburg and how it started my journey to self awareness and self love.

I was fresh out of high school and my parents were driving across the state of Idaho to take me to Rexburg where I would start my first semester of college. I was starting in the middle of summer unlike all my friends who were leaving in the fall. I was nervous and so very excited. Barely 18, I was confident that I would find myself and flourish at Ricks college (BYU Idaho now). On our drive over we stopped in Twin Falls and ended up at the mall. That’s where I found these sandals. I loved them right away. I’m pretty sure my dad bought a pair for himself as well. I thought that was pretty cool. And after our purchase we continued our journey.

My experience at Ricks college was not at all what I expected. I got along with my roommates okay, made friends and quickly settled in but I felt incredibly out of place. Trying very hard to make connections and then punishing myself over and over when I only wanted and gravitated towards women. At this point in my life I was still very much in denial, but I was becoming more and more aware of my attractions towards women. It was in the forefront of my mind constantly and I didn’t know how to cope at all. I started smoking as a way to escape and to try to control my rebellious attractions. I was never addicted to smoking and honestly I didn’t really enjoy it, but if I focused my attention on that sin, then I wouldn’t feel so utterly consumed by my feelings towards women. In the end I confessed about breaking the honor code. I was expecting an act of mercy because I came forward on my own, instead I was asked to leave at the end of the fall semester. I was stunned, angry and very much heart broken. I quickly fell into a deep depression. I was so ashamed at having to return home so soon after venturing out on my own. At failing. 

As I sat in my room thinking about all that had happened then and all that had happened after up until this moment; and suddenly I felt completely attached to this pair of sandals. Looking at them and how weathered they had become over 17 years of use it struck me how much I felt like theses sandals were a physical representation of the things that I had been through. The pain, the doubt, my crisis of faith and constant abuse towards myself. I found myself moved so deeply that tears formed in my eyes and for a moment I seemed to feel it all over again. And then another image entered my mind.

  
And then I was truly overwhelmed. I sat and was overcome by the love that I feel from and have felt for God and for my Savior. Their love washed over me and I saw my blessed life that is full of love, family, laughter, connection and a spiritual growth that I did not think was possible for a long time. Unlike those sandals that I held in my hands….my Savior has healed me constantly and will continue to take all my burdens upon Himself so that I can come unto the Father and be worthy to be in his presence. It felt strange to have such a profound spiritual moment by just sitting and looking at my old sandals. I was a bit sad but only for a moment as I carefully put them away. It became a symbolic moment to put away the past and to turn and look forward to a future that I know will be amazing. I fully anticipate challenges on every level, but I also recognize that the growth I’ve experienced through those challenges has given me priceless knowledge. 

I want to leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in a very profound way lately. Here is the YouTube link to listen to

Lauren Daigle – Trust in You


Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see


I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand


Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood


When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!


I will trust in You!

 

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