typeawordhere

Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Don’t make me be a girl

on March 6, 2015

Some interesting things have been happening of late in my life. I had taken a break from counseling for a bit because of the holidays and then she went on an extended vacation. So I went back a couple weeks ago and told her I wanted to focus on my low self-esteem. Before I took a break we had talked about how I have always felt uncomfortable in my body. More specifically my feminine body. So we started talking and I just start remembering all these things from when I was 9-12 years old. And then we landed on the moment when I started my period. A little background here…..I was a tomboy. Short hair, skinned knees, ran with the boys, t-ball, high top sneakers….it was fantastic. So here I was enjoying my perfect fun kid life and then here comes 5th grade and early puberty. My body starts a changing. And yeah I was getting boobs but I was 10 and it wasn’t much and I just ignored it. Then my period started. I remeber the day. I was at school. (yeah that’s crappy) I had to go to the nurse. I don’t know if she called home or I just told my mom when I got there but I remember her and my older sister being so excited and smiling about me “becoming a woman”. And then I remember going into our bathroom and being so incredibly mad. It was here that my counselor made the comment, “Well yeah you were mad. You had just been betrayed by your own body.” 

MIND BLOWN!!!!

Hello! I looked at her and was amazed that I had never realized that before. I had up to this point contributed my anger to just having a gross stupid period that would now last most my adult years. I was sooooo incredibly angry at my body. I had at this point in my life already recognized my attraction to girls. I felt like a boy though and so in a sense it didn’t really bother me and I didn’t think anything about it at all mostly. But when my period started that changed. I could no longer deny that I was in fact a girl. And I was angry because I liked girls. And that was wrong. So I was wrong. So I then began my mission to deny myself of anything remotely feminine. In my 10,11,12 year old mind a boy and a girl go together. I need to be as much of a boy as I can so that I can justify, make sense of, my feelings towards girls. This revelation has since sent me down a road re-visiting my past and all my stubborn rejections of feminity.

 I rejected make-up not long after my period started. I was at my grandmas house sitting on the bathroom counter watching my young aunts getting all dressed up for dates. (my grandma sold mary kay so there was always make-up around) I was curious about what and why they were doing what they were. I remeber one of them said that someday I would be doing this to get all pretty for my dates with boys. I remember the emotion like it was yesterday…anger. I distinctely told them that I would not participate in such a things and that it was dumb to have to do that for boys. But I was mad!

I rejected feeling emotion and prided myself on not crying during sappy movie scenes. I could cry fake tears but real ones…yeah those were locked up tight. I bought boy clothes, refused to learn how to use a curling iron and was satisfied with a bun/pony tail. Fiercly rejected the color pink and any of it’s close sisters for fear that I would look to girly. But I was a girl…but I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a boy. But it wasn’t because I was transgendered or born in the wrong body. It was because I was still trying to be okay liking girls. The only way that would be okay is if I was a boy. I cannot tell you how many times I watched movies where girls became boys or had to dress like a boy (SHakespeares Twelfth Night) and became so firecly jealous of them. If i had been in there shoes I would have been eternally grateful because I could then be as I really was with no shame…with no guilt. Oh how Ionged for it. 

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