typeawordhere

Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

What is addiction?

ADDICTION: Noun – being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming

LUST: Noun – self-indulgent sexual desire; strong sexual desire; Verb – having a craving, appetite, or great desire for

Been thinking about this a lot. At the ripe old age of 34 I think I understand the concept of addiction and what it means. What I am now learning is that addiction can be true of so much more than just the standards we are used to hearing about. You have the usual substances such as drugs and alcohol and other behaviors like gambling, shopping and pornography to name a few. But there is so much more out there that can become addictive. For me I have discovered that it is my thought patterns.

Thoughts can be addictive…what? Let me explain. I am addicted to lustful thinking. I have been for years. No I don’t look at porn or expose myself to more than what the average tv/movie puts out. So what do I mean when I say that I am addicted to lust? It means that I have been increasingly welcoming, dwelling and even seeking/creating lustful thought patterns in my daily life. I cannot tell you the last time I went a day or even an hour without having some kind of sexual thought in my mind. What’s the big deal thought right? Men and women think about sex all the time and they still function. It’s a big deal because I have stopped looking at people for who they are and more often than not I see them as body parts, as objects. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to love like that. In fact I don’t even consider that love…it is lust. Because of my natural state of being attracted to women my lustful thoughts have been about them. I do remember a time when I just wanted to love a woman. When it didn’t have anything to do with sex really. I wanted to take care of someone, to truly love them. Over the last several years though I have noticed a change in my thinking towards women. At first I thought it was just a growing desire to fill the emptiness left by a woman who abruptly left my life, but I know now that I have let my heart and mind dwell upon sexual desire more than anything. This has caused me to make several very poor decisions of late and hurt some people that I love dearly. I have become selfish and completely focused on things that do not matter. All because it made me feel good for a brief fleeting moment. 

I believe my state of mind was ripe for developing an addiction because of how poor my self-esteem has been. Without realizing it I took hold of those fleeting moments of feeling good and tried to replicate and eventually multiply them. I was tired of feeling awful about myself. Little did I know that this choice would eventually lead to me hurting the people I love most. I don’t know how to fix my self hatred. I don’t know how to accept that I have goodness in me. That my thoughts and feelings DO NOT define the person I am. Outwardly I don’t think I portray a very stubborn person, but I find that I am really stubborn inside. I don’t know how to let my feelings, thoughts and choices go. This constant beating myself up until I am all black and blue on the inside has got to stop. I want to feel and to believe the love that is around me. I understand what it means to forgive others, but forgiving myself, that is a completely foreign concept. I was talking with my husband last night about this and he said that he has heard of people sometimes writing things down and then physically destroying them as a way to let it go. Maybe that’s a good place to start. I’ve been imagining scenarios all day of explosions and such and I think it could be quite cathartic. But I am going to work my way to that. I started the Addiction Recovery Program through the church and have been going through the steps with my husband. It’s been very eye opening and has lead to many discussions and soul searching. I am not naive to think this process will be easy by any means, and I don’t know that I am quite prepared for the decisions that lie ahead, but I do know that this is something I need to do. I want to change my life…so I’m going to start with myself.

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Don’t make me be a girl

Some interesting things have been happening of late in my life. I had taken a break from counseling for a bit because of the holidays and then she went on an extended vacation. So I went back a couple weeks ago and told her I wanted to focus on my low self-esteem. Before I took a break we had talked about how I have always felt uncomfortable in my body. More specifically my feminine body. So we started talking and I just start remembering all these things from when I was 9-12 years old. And then we landed on the moment when I started my period. A little background here…..I was a tomboy. Short hair, skinned knees, ran with the boys, t-ball, high top sneakers….it was fantastic. So here I was enjoying my perfect fun kid life and then here comes 5th grade and early puberty. My body starts a changing. And yeah I was getting boobs but I was 10 and it wasn’t much and I just ignored it. Then my period started. I remeber the day. I was at school. (yeah that’s crappy) I had to go to the nurse. I don’t know if she called home or I just told my mom when I got there but I remember her and my older sister being so excited and smiling about me “becoming a woman”. And then I remember going into our bathroom and being so incredibly mad. It was here that my counselor made the comment, “Well yeah you were mad. You had just been betrayed by your own body.” 

MIND BLOWN!!!!

Hello! I looked at her and was amazed that I had never realized that before. I had up to this point contributed my anger to just having a gross stupid period that would now last most my adult years. I was sooooo incredibly angry at my body. I had at this point in my life already recognized my attraction to girls. I felt like a boy though and so in a sense it didn’t really bother me and I didn’t think anything about it at all mostly. But when my period started that changed. I could no longer deny that I was in fact a girl. And I was angry because I liked girls. And that was wrong. So I was wrong. So I then began my mission to deny myself of anything remotely feminine. In my 10,11,12 year old mind a boy and a girl go together. I need to be as much of a boy as I can so that I can justify, make sense of, my feelings towards girls. This revelation has since sent me down a road re-visiting my past and all my stubborn rejections of feminity.

 I rejected make-up not long after my period started. I was at my grandmas house sitting on the bathroom counter watching my young aunts getting all dressed up for dates. (my grandma sold mary kay so there was always make-up around) I was curious about what and why they were doing what they were. I remeber one of them said that someday I would be doing this to get all pretty for my dates with boys. I remember the emotion like it was yesterday…anger. I distinctely told them that I would not participate in such a things and that it was dumb to have to do that for boys. But I was mad!

I rejected feeling emotion and prided myself on not crying during sappy movie scenes. I could cry fake tears but real ones…yeah those were locked up tight. I bought boy clothes, refused to learn how to use a curling iron and was satisfied with a bun/pony tail. Fiercly rejected the color pink and any of it’s close sisters for fear that I would look to girly. But I was a girl…but I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a boy. But it wasn’t because I was transgendered or born in the wrong body. It was because I was still trying to be okay liking girls. The only way that would be okay is if I was a boy. I cannot tell you how many times I watched movies where girls became boys or had to dress like a boy (SHakespeares Twelfth Night) and became so firecly jealous of them. If i had been in there shoes I would have been eternally grateful because I could then be as I really was with no shame…with no guilt. Oh how Ionged for it. 

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