Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Friendship Needs

After my best friend and I broke up a few years ago it has been really difficult to find another woman to fill that gap in my life. Well….okay so I was in love with my best friend for most of our friendship with the exception of the last few years of it. She knew of my feelings for her and our relationship has not been easily replaced. I miss her fiercely sometimes but then I think about it and I don’t really miss her. I miss the closeness of her. The need we had for one another that ran very deep. The physical closeness we had and how it was very fulfilling until I began to see the manipulation that was taking place. Things changed after that. Oh but I miss that fulfillment of a close female bond. I have a best friend now but our friendship was never like this other friend and it never will be. I don’t know how to replace her. My counselor has encouraged me to get out and join all female clubs/groups to open my world up socially so that I might find some fulfillment in new friendships with women. It sounds easy enough but I think I suck at it. Let’s call my ex M for the sake of conversation. M and I met in high school and were immediately attached to each other. It was easy. So easy to love her and feel a deep connection to her. I do not know how to do that again at this stage in my life. Being a wife and a mother is great and fulfilling in different ways but I don’t have the time like I did when I was 16. I feel like I could make time but I don’t think anyone would make the time for me. One of my love languages is physical touch. And during adolescent it seemed easier and more natural to be openly affectionate with my gaggle of girls I hung out with. It’s different now. I’m different now. I desperately need affection from women. With M gone from my life I have not received a constant supply of that in a long time and it seems to have taken it’s toll. I find myself feeling sad, disconnected and lonely despite being surrounded by loving children and an affectionate husband. I have thought I need to pray to find a friend that can help me, but at the same time I don’t know that I could handle being rejected and used again like M did in the end. It broke my heart. And I was so very angry and hurt for so long. Even now I still feel a twinge of pain when I think of her. So maybe that’s the real reason I can’t find a new friend. I am just too scared and guarded and believe to be undeserving of such a thing. I am guarded and feel like no woman would really truly accept and welcome my attentions for her and reciprocate them back to me because it would make her uncomfortable knowing she is loved and adored by a gay woman. I don’t want a sexual relationship, but I do want a physical one. Does that make sense? Not having a fulfilling female relationship has left me feeling….I don’t know. I know I am needed in many ways as a wife and mother….but I don’t always feel needed as just me. Just Kim is needed. Not because I clean, cook, kiss owies, read stories, go shopping, snuggle, do laundry and more. Just being a woman and being needed because my soul is needed. I wish I could feel that sense of fulfillment from my husband. Oh how I wish that were enough! It angers me that it’s not enough. It makes me cry because it’s not enough. It makes me sad and depressed that it’s not enough. But I cannot change that. I have been trying and it’s not working. I need to spend some time on my knees. It’s not something I do enough of. I pray often in my heart and mind but I don’t often kneel and speak aloud the prayers I recite in my head. It’s been so few and far between that it seems almost awkward and weird now. I always feel like someone is watching me and it makes me really uncomfortable. It didn’t always used to be that way. Growing up I remember praying quite often aloud and on my knees in the privacy of my room. I guess I just need to find a space and time to do that where I know I will be alone. I just want to feel satisfied with what I have and to not want more. It seems so selfish.

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