Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Happiness and hardship

Been thinking about this a lot today. Happiness and hardship come and go throughout our lives. I know that the opposing forces help us grow in different and great ways. But the question that I have been asking today is how do we find a balance? On the spectrum of hardship today is fairly mild but difficult enough to make me uncomfortable. It started with me going to the www.farbetweenmovie.com website. I visit it once in awhile to see what new stories have been published. Today I viewed a video of a lesbian couple who met at the LDS institute of all places. Having tried to fight their attraction for each other they ultimately decided to be together rather than stay in the church. And they looked really happy with their choice. In my struggle with my own SSA feelings I find that even though I have made my choice to be married to a man and stay in the church, I can’t help but feels pangs of jealousy when I see stories like this. I can’t describe the kind of pain it makes my heart feel. Pain of jealousy, pain of being authentic, pain of doubt and yes there is pain in my soul.
Thinking about my life I can’t help but feel discouraged sometimes wondering if this is how it will be all the time. Times of great joy and amazing spiritual experience and growth and simultaneously pain of the heart and soul. So is this my life then? Is this what life is? I don’t know how to not let the sorrowful out shadow the moments of joy. In the end though I guess it comes down to fighting against our natural (wo)man. How can I tell the difference between what is natural to my spirit and what is natural to my body? God made both my spirit and my body so why do they seem to conflict one with another?
I guess I just need more faith that God is leading me down a path that will bring me greater happiness. Whenever I start to doubt that, I try and remember He is my Father and I am a child and ultimately don’t know as much as He does. I need to increase my personal prayer time. Although I say them in my head all day long it has been awhile since I have formally gotten on my knees and said something outloud. I know He hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s me who has been drifting away. It’s hard. The tedious nature gets difficult for me and I feel like that is when Satan is able to creep into my head about “the grass is greener” scenarios. I know it’s a lie so I don’t give it much credit but the thoughts linger still. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. It would be nice if things were easy every once in awhile. Then again maybe things are easy now because I cannot see what life would be like without the Spirit there to protect and guide me. It doesn’t feel easy though. Not at all.

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After a long absence

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great holiday. I know I haven’t been in the blogging world very long but it seems like it was forever ago when I made my last post. So long that I in fact just re-read it and thought to myself that I sounded a lot smarter than I really feel.
During my time of absence I have been going to therapy once a week and it has been enormously helpful. To be able to be in a space where I can be completely honest with how I feel, what I think and what I want has been an amazing experience. I don’t know that I have been able to feel the level of empathy my therapist offered to me ever in my life. I recently watched a short video clip about the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Here it is-


I’ve watched it a couple of times and I really love how she explains how empathy is connection and sympathy is disconnection. It is so true. And while I feel like I can empathize well with others I also know that I am guilty of using the term “At least…” in a sympathetic and non-helpful way. And the phrase she says at the end of the video about not knowing what to say but being glad it was shared is a thought I often have going through my head when in similar situations. And I have told myself that it is not a helpful thing to say so I struggle during those times. Maybe I have been right all along in what I have wanted to say but didn’t. I have been thinking about my therapy sessions in regards to this topic and I can see how it has helped me because my therapist is empathetic not sympathetic. One particular session comes to mind. I had through a series of events come to a conclusion about my life and where I wanted it to go. That although I am attracted to women, I could not be happy in a relationship with one. Well let me rephrase that. I couldn’t be as happy as I want my life to be with a woman and out of the church as I can with my husband and in the church. Some might criticize my church for this but I don’t. This is my personal choice and it is a spiritual one at that. My spirit would not survive in a lesbian relationship. And it is my choice to let my spiritual self choose how I live my life, not my physical body. I do not want to be a slave to my physical needs sexual or otherwise (Loving food way to much falls into that category but we can talk about that another time.). I want to be the master of my thoughts and my actions and this is how I believe I can do that. Anyway to continue, during my session I shared with my therapist that I had finally come to the conclusions that I mentioned above. I was getting emotional and was carrying a weight of sadness about me that she recognized even before I began to speak. As I sat there and told her about my choice she listened intently and in the end she said, “So you are giving up the dream of ever being with a woman? That must have been hard to give up that dream.” That was the moment that I really began to cry. As far as I have come in accepting that I am attracted to women I still don’t think of it as a positive thing and therefore anything related to it has a negative connotation attached to it. So when she called my desire to love and be loved by a woman a “dream” it surprised me and at the same time was so utterly fulfilling that someone understood what it was that I was feeling at my core, and what I was giving up. I don’t know that I have ever had anyone express to me that they understood exactly what I was letting go of by not being with a woman. To me it’s the same as someone who’s dream in life is to get married, have a family and then they decide to give up that dream in pursuit of something greater and bigger. I can see her face looking at me and recognizing what I have given up. Referencing what my previous post said about giving our all to The Lord and laying it on the altar….“Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “We must be willing to place all that we have—not just our possessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and stubbornness and vanity—we must place it all on the altar’ of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away.”……that’s what I felt like I was doing. But because of the negativity that surrounded my so-called acceptance, I didn’t really feel the loss until that moment, in that room, with someone who helped me see the significance of it all. And oh the tears they came. Letting myself really feel the raw emotion and loss of it all. And I just sat there and tried to not be a complete sob-face but the emotion of someone understanding and not judging…looking at me with love and acceptance was just overwhelming to say the least. She helped me to see that I needed to grieve the loss of this dream and to feel it so that I could accept it and move on from it. Thinking about it now brings the tears yet again. And although this experience and choice has brought about great sorrow on some level it has also brought me great peace. I am not naive to think that I will never desire or want anther woman in my life (yeah that won’t happen). But I recognize that letting go has in fact helped me move on from it and now I can work on moving past it. As I continue to struggle with my own physical needs,wants and desires I believe that centering myself towards God and Christ will be the way I will succeed. I KNOW this is the right choice for my life. I feel the confirmation from the Holy Ghost as well as my own spirit telling me that the choices I have made will make me happy.
I would love to write more and so many more things to say on this personal journey of mine but I think this is good for now. I hope to make more time to write more here. Even if it is not read by others it always helps me to get things down and out of my own brain to understand them better. Here is to a new year and new adventures!!

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