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Same Sex Attraction, Confidence Issues, Weight Loss and other Freaking Hard Things!

Temptations and the stupid stuff it does to our brains

I have noticed that there are a lot of people that struggle with SSA also have struggles with pornography and/or masturbation. And honestly I have never had those be an issue…until now. My pornography is not the typical kind though (even though I call it porn). I have this stupid thing that I do once in awhile when I need to increase my self-loathing. I go to craigslist and I look on the women seeking women ads. It stupid and really minor when I could be doing a lot worse. But I go there so I can read the ads and I hope to find pictures as well. Mostly for the pictures though. Sometimes it’s just a normal picture and most of the ads are normal people looking for real connections. But there are some on there that get very descriptive of what they want and there are some on there who post really racy photos. And by racy I mean naked. So that’s why to me it’s the same thing as porn because that’s what I am really looking for. And I know what follows…the selfishness of masturbation. I hope you don’t mind me being blunt but there really is no other way to talk about these things. I am just trying for honesty. I struggle with anger a lot. I struggle with selfishness a lot. And some might try and convince me that those two activities are fine, or natural or whatever. All I know is that they make me selfish and they make me angry. Two traits that lead to the absence of the spirit of God so quickly. And the only time in my life when I feel good, when I feel right, is when I have that spirit with me. So why then do I constantly challenge that? I don’t know. I have this belief that I need to be stronger than my impulses. That I need to master my mind and body so that it does what I want it to do. I do not want to be driven by my natural instincts. I am more powerful than my instincts. That being said…it is SO HARD!
I am not concerned at this point in my life that I would categorize this issue as an addiction. I think it has been like 2-3 years since I have looked at the ads. The masturbation thing is more often but still it’s like maybe a couple times every 6 months or so. It’s just stupid. I know I should cut myself some slack but I don’t think I can. I feel like there is this line in my life that I am trying really hard not to cross. And Satan is so good at pushing me towards this line. If I let up, if I make a mistake he can inch me closer to that line. And in these moments of weakness, one mistake can have catastrophic consequences. It can send me over this line of which I am not sure I could come back from. I feel scared a lot. What’s the big deal?, some would say. Just live your life and be happy. The problem is is that I know I would not be happy. Whatever happiness I would experience would be temporary, fleeting and definitely would not be spiritually fulfilling. Some people might not understand how I can know that. How do I know I wouldn’t be happy? I can tell you that my spirit would not be happy. This mortal body I have is temporary but my spirit is forever. Letting my life be guided by something that is so temporary seems unwise. I don’t see my life being limited by my mortal existence, so why would I live it that way?
At church today there was reference to the talk given by Elder Bednar from this last session of conference. Here’s the awesome link Elder David A. Bednar. In this talk there is reference to a man getting stuck in the snow with his truck. He decides to load it with wood anyway in the hopes that he can get it out later. What he finds is that because of the load of wood in his truck he can finally move. He was no longer stuck. What a great analogy! I am trying not to get “stuck”. But my brain and my body don’t always comply with my spiritual will. I feel stupid and…well just stupid when I do something wrong. But I am determined to move forward and hopefully this burden will give me the strength of an army so I can move forward. Always moving.

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Freaking Hard Things!

Life is hard….duh, right? Been thinking about starting a blog for awhile but was really hesitant. I mean what do I have to add to the cyber discussion on anything? (this is that confidence thing I was referring to) But honestly I just need a place to vent so I don’t go completely bananas. So let’s talk. I am a Mormon, I need to lose weight, I have major confidence issues and oh yeah….I am also attracted to women. I believe in the gospel of Christ and I choose to follow his commandments. I’m not perfect and would never claim to be. I struggle everyday with all of these things and more. I have been so blessed in my life to find and fall in love with a man whom I married almost 12 years ago. Together we have created a great life and have been blessed with 4 children. I am just looking for some balance. I know there are people out there who will not understand my life, and that’s okay. I don’t expect it to make sense to anyone but me. I’m just trying to be a good person, be a good mom and keep my head above water. I have struggled with depression on and off since High School. I knew from an early age that I was attracted to women. I used to dream about my friends and had such a difficult time accepting that part of myself. I even have some gender issues to top it all off. I don’t know that I have ever felt comfortable in my own skin accept when I am pregnant….I feel amazing. (probably the hormones) I write in my journal and am currently on my 22 book! I just realized I am kind of spewing information out there. It’s my blog so whatever. My main reasons for writing are to show others with the same difficulties that they are not alone. I don’t expect much from this blog, but I think it will be good for me to get some things out there.

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